My Struggle With Depression

I want to share this extremely difficult and painful part of my story with you. I never imagined depression as something that I would encounter, especially not during what was supposed to be the happiest season of my life, but I feel the Lord leading me to share. I pray that this will remind you that you are not alone in your current struggle and that Jesus is with you, even in your darkest valley.

I was hit with depression soon after we arrived home from our dreamy honeymoon in Fiji. This unwelcomed guest abruptly entered my life and interrupted my newlywed plans. I had absolutely zero idea of what was happening, as depression is something that I had never encountered before. I went from planning a wedding and trying to graduate, to a new life, job, husband, and home. These changes were overwhelming. Change has never been easy for me, but I quickly learned how hard it was when change seemed to hit me from every direction.

And then, the guilt crept in. Every change I had was good, really good. Yet, I felt overcome by sadness and completely alone. I would remind myself, that this is what I had been waiting for - to finally marry the man of my dreams and begin our life together after four long-awaited years of dating.

Daniel knew I wasn’t doing well. I often cry when I remember his acts of kindness and pursuit during this time. The morning was the worst, so he would wake me up with a hot cup of coffee to help me get out of bed and begin my day. I truly don’t know what I would have done without his daily presence. I felt like I had a blanket of sadness that covered me, and it was heavy. I could not escape or explain it, and that brought even greater shame and guilt. And in that place of confusion, I pressed down my emotions and pretended everything was okay. I remember running into someone I knew at the grocery store, and they excitingly asked how the newlyweds were doing. I answered that we were great, and we were. I was so happy to finally be married to my Daniel, but I was not okay. It was the loneliest and darkest season of my life. I didn’t feel like myself, and although I was spending time with the Lord and seeking Him, I just couldn’t shake it.

Questions flooded my mind constantly. I was surrounded by extravagant blessings and was living the life I had prayed for. I began to isolate myself out of the shame and embarrassment. I did not share the true feelings and thoughts I was having.

After months of keeping to myself, the Lord kindly led me to bring to light how I was doing with some of my closest people. I first shared with my beautiful sister and mentor, Bethany. She listened and compassionately spoke, “It’s okay to not be okay.” Her words washed over me, and I broke. For the first time in months, I felt understood. I was not okay, and the moment I finally released myself from the pressure of my expectations, I experienced my first glimmer of hope. Although it was still immensely dark, I allowed myself to not be okay.

I began to invite the rest of my inner circle into my reality as well. I did not have answers, but I had to share. Honestly, it was rough. Rough facing the truth – that I was not okay when I felt pressure to be okay. It was difficult recognizing the disappointment of our newlywed season and feeling like I was letting people down. I did not have a full explanation as to why I felt this way, and that was okay too. The Lord surrounded me with friends and women that lifted me up through prayer and support, when I could barely lift my head. They encouraged me to lift my gaze higher, to my precious Jesus. Through sharing and inviting trusted people into my pain, the next step I felt the Lord leading me to take was to attend counseling. I had always been a believer in counseling, but my desperation led me to go as soon as I could.

The Lord gifted me with a wonderful counselor, who I still see to this day. I remember my first session vividly. Tears poured out of my eyes as I shared the darkest parts of my current reality. She gently asked questions, and helped me unravel what felt like a big knotted ball of yarn. She did not rush me, but with each meeting helped me unravel another strand. My current state did not change, but I did not allow that to keep me from going. I knew I needed to be there in that safe space, processing the pain and unknown I was experiencing.

The Lord kindly began highlighting some deep areas of my heart that needed healing. I had always been referred to as the joyful one, but joy was the last thing I felt. I could not manufacture it anymore and that made me feel even less like myself. Through spending time with the Lord and inviting His voice into my life, I recognized the Lord was doing something new and teaching me about His true, strengthening, joy! I realized that for many years, I had been operating out of a place of feeling the need to give people joy, and this joy didn’t always come from the Lord, but out of performance, and joy that I created to please those around me. Through this depression, I could not muster up this fake joy any longer. Joy is not something that I always feel, but can be found in Him. Nehemiah 8:10, says, “The Joy of the Lord is my strength.” This joy is not mine, but His. His abundant joy is my strength, and I hold onto the promise of feeling His fullness of joy as I press in.

I am continually unraveling the layers and definitely have days and weeks that are hard. However, I am so grateful to my Jesus for pulling me out of the pit of despair. I don’t have answers as to how I came out of that place, and I don’t know exactly how depression affects my life today. I do know that this is my story, and I pray that it reminds you that you are not alone. I recognize that we each have different stories, and I honor yours. For some depression lasts for a short season, and for others it lasts much longer. Our journeys are unique and different. I do not fully understand why I went through this, or struggle some days still. But I do know that one reason, for which I am deeply grateful, is to share with you.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be sad when the people around expect you to be bursting with joy. It’s okay to acknowledge your feelings and honestly share them with those around you. It’s okay to take up space and recognize that you need care and healing. It’s okay to take medicine. It’s okay to not take medicine. There is an abundance of grace for you, and your Jesus is with you, even if you cannot feel or see His presence. There is grace to not figure it out. I do not have to understand my feelings or current state of mind. I can release the control of trying to figure it all out.

It’s okay that our first year of marriage looked different than what I had envisioned. It’s okay that it was painfully hard and did not meet many of the expectations that I had. It’s okay that I am still dealing with the disappointment. There is beauty to be found, and there was extravagant beauty birthed through the hardship. I can confidently say that if I would have never walked through depression, many of my current dreams would have never birthed to reality.

In one of my most loved devotionals, GraceLaced, Ruth Chou Simmons beautifully shares a story of new life coming out of death. She shares that some trees actually require fire to grow, which is called serotiny. I want to share this explanation in her own words. Ruth writes that “many trees produce cones that seal themselves shut with resin that melts only with the heat of fire. These cones await a forest fire. The burn produces an ashen layer on a forest floor, providing an ideal layer of nutrition for new seedlings to grow. For the forest, what appears to be devastation is often a rebirth. And just as the heat from a fire causes a cone to open and release its seeds, God allows the pressure and discomfort of our trials to serve as the catalyst for new growth.”

He was with me in the fire. He was turning my pain into good. He was always close to me, and I felt Him near. He never left my side, and He is with you too. In your pain, confusion, or unknown, He is present and interceding for you. I want to encourage you with Psalm 23. This chapter was water to my weary and parched soul during this season. I almost daily come to it for a deep drink of refreshment and sweet filling.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23

I want to say thank you to my husband. He loved, cared, and prayed for me in ways that I do not fully comprehend. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for him to walk alongside me through this, but he pressed into the hard with me. If you have a loved one with depression, I want to thank you. Thank you for the ways you love even if you don’t understand what your loved one is going through. Your support and loving care brings hope, even if you can’t see any change. May the Lord bless you richly for the love you pour out.

To those of you who are in the midst of depression, it’s okay to not be okay. You are not alone, and you are deeply loved. I encourage you to press in. Press into the pain and disappointment. Press into His presence. If you are the person who just married or had an exciting life change, and are hiding in the guilt of your true state, I bless and release you to not be okay. It is okay. There is absolutely zero guilt, and you do not have to pretend for anyone. Invite trusted people into your present, and most importantly, invite the Lord. He is with you, and He is for you. His presence goes before and behind you, even in your darkest valley. I want to leave you with these lyrics from Goodness of God, by Bethel Music, that carried me through my darkest nights.

“I love Your voice. You have led me through the fire. And in darkest night, You are close like no other. I've known You as a Father. I've known You as a Friend. And I have lived in the goodness of God.”

Bless you, friend. He is good, and His goodness is running after you.